I’m tired of trying to make myself okay, when in reality I’m actually not.
I’m tired of waiting for something that’s not mine.
I’m tired of looking forward to a future that’s not your will for me.
I’m tired of trying to sing songs of worship in vain.
I’m tired of pretending in front of you that I have it all together.
I’m tired of making people feel worse than what they already are going through.
I’m tired of building my own fading kingdom and storing up earthly riches.
I’m so tired of wrestling with you, and I want to give up. I wanted something for myself, and I thought it was good. and when you didn’t give it to me I thought of you as void of giving me good. and I know the bible says you’re ultimately good and you’re ultimately kind of God. How I want to believe it.
But I am blinded. Blinded by my own ‘fact’ that I’m hurting and you don’t understand my pain. But you do. Walking on earth and being crucified hurts a lot.
And I know you love me and how I want to believe it. But you do. Dying for me and bleeding profanely so that I could belong to you.
and I know you I love you but it feels like it isn’t enough. Maybe that’s why they say one should “grow in love”.
And maybe now I’m a little stagnant because I’ve been too still for too many years.
It’s been three years since I made a move.
Three years since I last counted the cost.
I’m allowing you to take your time. I don’t force the people I love do something they don’t want to do. I want them to choose for themselves. I could shower them all these blessings and show them the greatest act of love which I already did, but to choose me over the world is still their choice. and I know it’s hard, and I know what you feel. Walking the road to Calvary with the cross on my shoulders after being bruised and beaten hurts.
I know you hurt. I hurt with you. Even if you don’t believe it.
I will always hold your hand through the pain and go with you through your hell and high waters, even if you don’t believe it.
I will love you with all that I am with all that I have and I will keep you safe and will protect you under my wings, even if you don’t believe me.
and I will be there with you as we walk together in pain and I will carry you, even if you don’t see it.
I will always be here, even if you don’t see me.
and I’ll keep you close to my heart.